I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.