i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped