sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
