Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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