I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
