im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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