Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
we're so committed to being not committed
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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