someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
