i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
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Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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