dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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