I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
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I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬