you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately