i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
