And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
false alarm. still invincible.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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