I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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