piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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