6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I can text with my tongue
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
