paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
