Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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