Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad