I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.