I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.