You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.