Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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