I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
