If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
