Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
