She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
