I'm going to jail i love you
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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