Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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