she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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