Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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