You just made me feel so damn special
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
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I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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