Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
