I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.