last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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