WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
