She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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