I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
