Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
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it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
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I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.