My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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