Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
