is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
