For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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