I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree