I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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