so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
