Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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My day in three words: secret purse cake
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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