I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize