he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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