my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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