We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
