WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
