So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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