The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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