Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...