I got chris browned last night
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..