My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You pole danced in your parka.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.